The Road Back to the House of My Life: Beyond the Myth of “Laziness”

A Reflection on Depression, Therapy, and the Art of Rearranging the Past

A Note Before You Read

Content Warning: The following text discusses experiences with depression and past suicide attempts. Please prioritize your emotional safety and read only if you feel grounded enough to do so.

The journey I have traveled so far is what allows me to write today about the events of my life. For many who haven’t experienced what depression truly means, there is a common misconception: that people with depression are simply “lazy.”

The Ghost of “Laziness”

Until I began to study depression myself, I believed this lie. I thought I was lazy. I thought it was all “just in my head.” I believed that the struggle to wash the dishes, to do the laundry, or sometimes even to wash myself was because I was a lazy person.

I thought my constant need to sleep was a character flaw, not realizing that at night, my mind would never stop. It spent those hours analyzing everything I had done that day; convinced I had failed at everything, that I hadn’t spoken correctly to those around me. I was always exhausted, always drained of energy. It felt impossibly heavy even to go out and buy a coffee.

Facing the Pit

In 2018, after my second attempt to put a “final period” on the book of my life, I started therapy. That was when I realized that what I thought was laziness was actually a way of “robotizing” my own existence, ignoring what was truly important.

Yes, I had a purpose: my chosen family, my partner, and my two children, but when you don’t have a purpose of your own and there is a deep pit behind you that you need to climb out of, meaning feels out of reach. My pit was so deep and dark that I didn’t even know what was inside it. When I first started looking into that pit, I didn’t even know what I was seeing. But as I began to unearth what I had buried there, it felt as if something inside me died.

I realized that beyond the “laziness” was a defense mechanism. I was constantly numb.

The Pain of Feeling Again

After about four or five months of therapy, I began to feel again. The pain was so intense that I constantly wanted to retreat back into that numbness. It was too much, and often, I didn’t even know why. But I kept digging into the past, because that is where everything started.

How did therapy help me? Now that I know how depression and trauma are treated, it seems logical from the outside. But back then, standing in the darkness, nothing made sense. My mind was total chaos, and my memories were a constant source of guilt.

Healing Through Excel and Fantasy

My therapist helped me “clean my house.” I loved her approach. She asked me to create lists in Excel (the “death of passion” for many, but for me, a way of life). I made lists of memories, arguments, and details. Then, on my own initiative, I created a PowerPoint presentation once the spreadsheet was finished. She didn’t correct me; she let me present my past the best way I knew how.

After the presentation, she asked me to start a journal. At that time, creating a “story of my life” was the thing that scared me most. I can make a list, I can put a bow on a presentation, but writing a story? You might as well have asked me to move water from one bucket to another using a pipette.

But I did what she asked. Since she didn’t specify how to write it, I found a loophole, a “glitch” to escape through. I wrote a story about fairies, werewolves, vampires, demons, and witches. She said write a journal; she didn’t say it had to be literally about me. That journal eventually transformed into books. Later, my psychologist and mentor suggested, as a final wish, that I arrange those journals and put them online, so I wouldn’t have to keep carrying the trauma of those stories alone.

From Survival to Understanding

As a psychologist now, I understand the technique. By making the Excel lists and the PowerPoint, I created a timeline and distanced myself from my trauma. By writing the journals and discussing parts of my past, I reinterpreted what happened to me. I realized I couldn’t control what happened, only how I reacted.

I moved from the fear of teenage anxiety to the depths of depression because, when I lived in fear, my mind protected me by numbing me. The “bad news” was that when I stopped feeling, my mind stopped looking for ways to survive, and survival is the mind’s primary function. When I had no reason to survive, my mind created that voice telling me: “You don’t feel anything anyway, why wait? You’re just taking up a seat on the train for nothing.”

The House is Open

Eventually, I reorganized and reinterpreted my past. I saw that even though it was hard, I hadn’t harmed anyone but myself. I realized:

• My obsession with learning was my way of staying alive.
• I didn’t abandon my family, even when they hurt me.
• I found a partner who accepted me exactly as I am, even after seeing my darkest parts.
• Despite not originally wanting children, I have two healthy kids.
• I am healthy enough to do what I love: working with children who have dyslexia, creating worksheets for them, and helping them just as I was helped in primary school.

It was hard, but I found the way back to the “house of my life.” After opening all the rooms and letting the air in, they began to rearrange themselves. Now, I feel good every time I walk inside each room.

Global Resources for Support and Healing

If you or someone you know is struggling with abuse or mental health challenges, please reach out to these free, confidential, and professional services:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline (Global Access) While based in the US, their website offers extensive safety planning tools, educational articles, and a 24/7 chat service that can guide survivors globally on how to stay safe.

Chayn An award-winning global platform that provides multilingual resources, guides, and online courses for survivors of abuse. Their Global Directory helps you find local support services in almost any country.

7 Cups A mental health ecosystem providing 24/7 free emotional support. You can chat anonymously with trained “listeners” or join support groups for trauma, anxiety, and depression.

Find A Helpline A comprehensive global tool that connects you to over 1,600 free and confidential helplines worldwide. You can filter by country and the specific issue you are facing (abuse, suicide prevention, etc.).

Bright Sky App A free mobile app (available in many countries, including Romania) that provides information on domestic abuse and a secure directory of specialist support services. It includes a “Journal” feature to safely record incidents of abuse.

Befrienders Worldwide A global network of centers providing confidential emotional support to people in crisis or experiencing suicidal thoughts. They offer a safe space to be heard without judgment.

Blue Knot Foundation A leading organization specialized in Complex Trauma (CPTSD). They provide extensive educational resources and support specifically for adult survivors of childhood trauma.